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December 26, 2005
Well, that's another Christmas gone.
Nothing much happened. I woke up on Christmas Day to find
what looked like poo all over the lawn. It was either reindeer
poo or a present from my ex. (Then again, it could have been
leaves from the trees, but that's not half as much fun.)
Isn't Christmas morning quiet? There are no screaming kids
outside because they are all eagerly stripping the Christmas
wrapping paper off their presents and discarding it on the floor
where it instantly becomes a makeshift skateboard. Then the kids
spend the next hour or so inside carrying out destruction testing
on the toys before they finally get outside to blow off some
steam. That is, unless some parent has been foolish enough to
give their child, usually a boy, a computer game. In this case,
the kid will stay inside hogging the computer while indulging
in the educational pursuit of shooting, stabbing, blowing up,
or murdering in any other possible way a variety of so-called
baddies. What is the world coming to? When I was young, I just
murdered people in my imagination while "shooting"
a wooden gun.
Later in the morning, of course, it's time to go around and
see the relatives that you see regularly every other week of
the year, while trying to pretend that this visit is a special
one because it's Christmas. Even if it is just as boringly trying
as all the others.
But Christmas Day is different to other days of the years
in one way - the supermarkets are all shut. Have you seen how
people rush to supermarkets on the day before Christmas, stocking
up on all in sundry as though they believe that Santa Claus is
going to be the bearer of bird flu and everyone is going to spend
the month following Christmas in quarantine.
It was this thought of quarantine that brought the thought
to mind and I have now rushed to write the following letter to
the Minister of Transport Safety:
=================
December 25, 2005
Mr Harry Duynhoven
Minister of Transport Safety
Parliament Buildings
Wellington
Dear Mr Duynhoven,
Now that Christmas and Santa Claus have gone for another year,
it's time to broach a subject that appears to have been overlooked
- there is a clear and present danger in the visits of Santa
Claus to New Zealand.
Firstly, Santa Claus' reindeer are able to enter New Zealand
without going into quarantine or, indeed, free from any checking
by Customs or the Ministry of Agriculture.
The reindeer might be carrying all sorts of nasty diseases
- North Pole ticks, elf mites, or even Laughing Disease (after
all Santa Claus is always going Ho ho ho).
Also, there is some doubt whether Santa's sled meets civil
aviation regulations. For starters, does it meet civil aviation
lighting requirements? Is Rudolph's red nose likely to be mistaken
for a navigation light? And the way this craft is operated is
enough to give an Air Traffic controller apoplexy. Santa regularly
flies at heights under 1000 feet over urban areas.
As you can no doubt now see, this is a matter of some concern
and I would ask you to investigate this with due diligence in
order that next Christmas we can lie in beds safe in the knowledge
that no aerial boy-racer in a Santa suit is flitting dangerously
through urban skies. Of course, the kids may get no presents,
but that is a small sacrifice to pay to ensure that the Christmas
Health and Safety environment is secure.
Yours sincerely
Allan Kirk
===================
I shall be interested to see what sort of reply I get…
--
Allan
December 31, 2005
Well, these are the last few hours of 2005.
This has been a year to remember.
Right at this moment, the Japanese are trying to save the
whales. They're attempting to collect the whole set.
With global warming, the sea is rising annually. The biggest
fear is that some deadly disease will strike sponges and where
would we be then?
A bill in the United States senate to outlaw the laboratory
breeding of potentially dangerous bacteria has been thrown out
because the senators realised that bacteria is the only culture
Americans have.
The discovery that the average goldfish has a memory span
of three seconds has led to a scientific search for a genetic
link between teenagers and goldfish.
Dental research has established that a toothbrush should be
kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush. This could explain bad breath.
Oh, yes. It's been an eventful year.
Because it's been such a year, I'm sure you'll want to remember
it.
So I'm going to give you some New Age advice on how to build
a time capsule to do so.
According to the experts you need a waterproof, airtight,
and preferably fireproof vessel. The HMS Queen Mary may be a
little large. Personally, whatever the experts say, I think a
steel ship is a bit of an overkill, so I'd just use an old paint
tin. Tip the paint out first.
On the paint tin, write "2005 - The Year What Was".
This is a good thing to write because, in future, when you open
the box and look at the contents you can decide, on reflection,
what 2005 was. It could be "2005 - The Year What Was Amazing"
or "2005 - The Year What Was A Disaster" or even 2005
- The Year What Was Punctuated By Weird Emails From Allan Kirk".
The first thing to place in the box is a small mirror. Firstly,
this gives you something to reflect upon and, secondly, you can
use it to see just what sort of damage all the highlife in 2005
caused to your previous unblemished looks.
Next, place some photos and a momento or two from 2005 in
the box. Any momento you put in the box should be environmentally
stable and not likely to decay. If your cat died during the year,
I would suggest you not put it's body in the box, as much as
it's death may have been an important event of 2005.
I would also caution against putting into the capsule naughty
videos of you having a grand time with the present love of your
life. Firstly, your mother or children may open the capsule in
some later year, and there goes that false conservative reputation
you will have spent so many years building up. Worse, a new partner
many years from hence may open the capsule and play the tape.
Then you will be expected to assume the same contortionist positions
the tape demonstrates that you were capable of those many years
before.
Good things to put in the box are appropriate newspaper clippings.
However, I would suggest that clippings such as the one about
your great Uncle Horace's adventures with the McDonald's waitress
in the local McDonald's play complex be left out. While it may
explain how Uncle Horace got that back injury, some things are
often best left unexplained.
To provide a spiritual experience whenever you open the 2005
time capsule, it is important that you trap some 2005 time in
the box. To do this, you slip into the capsule a working watch
with the time and date on it. It is important that the watch
has the date on it. If no date is on the watch, the trapped time
may become confused and think that it belongs to whatever year
it is when the capsule is opened.
Remember that after about a week of being trapped in the capsule,
fusion between the capsule material and the loose time will have
taken place, giving you a true 2005 experience when you open
the capsule at some future date.
The watch only needs to be in the capsule for about an hour
for sufficient time to have accumulated to fuse with the capsule
and give a 2005 time experience when the capsule is opened. So,
if you need the watch before the week is up, you can remove it
from the capsule. However, this must be done very carefully,
leaving no gaps for the trapped time to escape. After all, you
don't want time running out. It escapes so easily. That is, of
course, because time flies.
When you get the watch out, do not leave it on the floor should
you have to rush off to answer the phone or something. You may
step on it when you return and, as you know, time wounds all
heels. Besides, if you step on the watch, you may break it and,
if there is one thing that people hate, it's killing time.
Right, now that time and momentos, etc, are trapped in the
capsule, seal it with some tape and store it away for later opening.
Oh, you *have* put this email in it, haven't you…?
--
Allan
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